Grant Garvin: Idea Man

Hi! I’m Grant Garvin and I’m an idea man. I am full of inventive and innovative concepts. I am brimming with groundbreaking notions. My brain is rocked, cocked, loaded, scattered, smothered, and covered with all sorts of awesome thinky stuffs. Don’t believe me? Fuck you. Feast on these mind-shattering treats.

IDEA #1: You know how they have those BabyBjörns? You know, they’re like backpacks for your front parts and you put a fucking baby in it. Well, how about Björk Björns? Same thing, but instead of a baby you put some weird Icelandic frost nymph/singer in it. It will make zillions. Take that to the bank and smoke it.

IDEA #2: All you can eat dolphin sushi bars. Who are we kidding? Dolphins are delicious. If tuna is the chicken of the sea, dolphins are the prime rib of the ocean. People know this and I give people what they want. Bottomless dolphin sushi. Red Lobster, I will sell you this idea. Hit me up on my pager.

IDEA #3: Cut off chunks of your pubic hair and mail them to your enemies. You’re welcome.

IDEA # 4: That asshole that looked at me sideways during yesterday’s development meeting needs to end up on the wrong end of my fist, toute suite. That’s less of an idea and more of an action item for my deliverables task list. Noted.

IDEA #5: Glue a bunch of glitter onto your whiny-ass cat. Make that motherfucker sparkle and shit. Yeah, the cat will eat it and get sick, or maybe even die. Good. I don’t like cats. Still, it’s an idea. A fantastic idea!

IDEA # 6: Rocket diapers. What part of that do I need to explain? I didn’t think so.

IDEA # 7: You know that show Chopped on the Food Network? A bunch of chefs have to create meals out of a wicker basket full of of random ass ingredients, like wolf bladders and shark hearts and fennel. Anyway, my idea is for a special episode of that show where they put live cobras in the ingredient baskets. Then, when they dismiss a contestant at the end of a round, instead of saying, “You’ve been chopped,” the guy will say, “You’ve been bitten by an angry cobra and the venom is slowly coursing through your body, inevitably seizing your nervous system and sending you to a cold and premature grave.” Like it? I knew you would. How did I know? Because it was my idea, that’s how!

IDEA # 8: Apparently, there are wackos out there who like to fuck and/or be fucked by feet. Cut that out, foot freaks! Feet were made for wearing boots. Boots were made for walking. Genitals were made for doing the dirty dipping. So this idea is targeted directly at foot fetishists: Stop with the foot fucking. Seriously. Stop it. It’s gross. I’m talking to you, Debra.

IDEA # 9: Reunite the original lineup of L.A. Guns. Phil and Tracii, you know where to find me.

IDEA # 10: Aborted baby name generator. Look, it’s a cold hard fact. More loose women are having legal abortions than ever before. Why not name your unborn mistake? Possible aborted baby names include: Whiskey Dick Distribution, The Not-Chosen One, Momma’s Failed Attempt, Whew…That Was A Close One, and Irish Stepchild.

I came up with these gems right off the top of my goddam dome while masturbating to an episode of Hoarders. Imagine what I could conceive if I devoted some focus to this noise. Anyway, I’m about to fall asleep on a bus bench and pee-pee on myself. There will be more to come, though. Till next time, I am and always shall be Grant Garvin: Idea Man.